Hello everyone, and welcome to my first blog. I am so glad that you have even remotely began to get an interest in my ideas for starting this blog. To be honest, we are all caught up wondering what to be getting on with aside from our 'normal duties' (I hate this phrase, why have I written this? - ah well it's staying put) and that's where my main intentions came to start with, but I also have a sheer desire to help people and give people a sense of ease in what ever they are going through. I have these aspirations to be able to help people individually through video calls or just to check in, see how you are doing and let you rant if you need to rant or just chat about absolutely nothing - anything will be welcome!
Anyway, this first blog I am aiming to just share a little about myself and my background, just so you can get an idea of who I am tapping away at these buttons on my ancient computer. I also want to share what I would like to discuss in future blogs and am very open to any topics that will keep me occupied!
As you can see in the short bio, I am a musician almost finished my Undergraduate degree at a fantastic music school in London - Guildhall School of Music and Drama. Before that I spent 15 years growing up in Belfast (Northern Ireland) with my Mother and three other siblings after moving from Croydon (where I was born) when I was three years old. I have had such a fortunate upbringing with the most caring and loving family who support each other through anything and who are so open to any path that you want to take as long as you are staying true to yourself - this is something that I treasure daily even through the toughest of times.
I had quite a strange time in school as a young teen, not being very popular. I would suppress that whilst also wondering who would accept me for me. It kind of ate away at me for a long time and I felt an absence in my life. The one thing that kept me going was my passion for my talent and music making. My Mother and Father (Father of which was absent in my home upbringing since the age of 3) are both musicians. Both musicians that I respect endlessly and admire through their personal achievements and the talent they gave me. In school I was lucky enough to fall back on that comfort, that sense of ease and relaxation that most of the time I didn't even realise how much I was nurturing my talent, I just loved it so much that I kept going - kind of like a hamster on it's running wheel, but I was subconsciously actually getting somewhere!
However, during this time I was kind of on automatic pilot, I was conscious (spiritually don't worry) yes, but I was not aware of myself at all. It was not until I was lucky enough to move to London to further explore and develop my musical training that I was faced with issues that I had suppressed for years. It started with a sense of disbelief, a feeling of 'What the heck am I doing? How have I gotten here? Am I really a good enough musician to be here?' and questions like this. Preparing week on week to perform to my self-pressurised 'high standard' whilst battling these questions of who I was came to take over my life. I felt I was not in the right place. I had been looked up to so much in the past as a talented young musician from a relatively small part of the country and when I was faced with all these fantastic musicians and kind-hearted people (who apart from my family and a few friends I had at home, I did not get much experience of these kinds of people) I could not cope. I didn't think my desire to better myself and my talent would get me to where I wanted to be. Luckily, I have great friends, people I hung out with all the time, but I was not at the stage yet where I felt I was able to express everything that was going on internally, I just couldn't it was like a mental block as I stayed my crazy self, being a goof and trying to make people laugh, but inside it wasn't like that. My first Christmas home after going away to college was when it all hit me - some call it a 'Mental Breakdown' but I hate that term. Let's call it a mental discovery: something that happens to us and our minds that tries to show us where to go next, where to put our focus to better ourselves. What I have now realised is that I was in my own world, as much as what people said/did/acted around me, my actions on how to better approach my life and the good/bad people in it had to come from ME. It was MY life and nobody could do it for me.
Of course, LIFE HITS (woohoo isn't this exciting!!), we all become adults and have to 'fend for ourselves'. We have responsibilities that almost nobody can prepare us for because initially we feel like we have to face them first before figuring out what is best for us. The one thing that I find interesting is that most of our ideals, values and emotions are based on what we see/hear/observe in the first seven years of our lives. Why is it then, if this is true, are we not prepared for these emotional hurdles that face us all when we hit adulthood? I ask this as an observation, try not to think about it too much. This is not to say if you are having troubles with your sense of self or who you are deep down that you blame this on your parents. Our parents lived in a time when this knowledge was not available to them, they had no internet, they had no guidance on 'How to make your child free of any problems for their whole entire lives'. They were struggling themselves, they were young, finding their own paths in a very different world. All we can do is see where we are now, and search for more meaning to WHO we are and WHERE our habits come from - it's almost like our duty or obligation to ourselves and we will explore this more in later blogs!
I've given a brief but also in-depth analysis of who I am (kind of) and why I am here doing this. I am by no means a 'therapist' or 'counsellor' nor will I be able to 'fix' anyone's worries about their identity or future. I am on my path also and I would just love to share the knowledge I have gained from working on myself to those who may feel stuck, unworthy of themselves, have low-self esteem or even if you are just having a bad day - maybe this blog will give you some insight into what can be done to make you feel yourself again. I am not sure how many people this will reach or if it will reach any at all, but if it does help in any way I am glad, and I will be hoping to continue this during the rest of this 'lockdown' period and if successful into the future.
My aims for this blog:
I am aiming to write 1 blog weekly (to start with) covering the below topics, but I am open to suggestions so please work away! I am also trying to focus on my music making and discovering more about my musical abilities through intense practice so this is my 'getaway' project for want of a better phrase...
Topics:
Next week: (Saturday 23rd May) - creating habits in your life and their importance
Saturday 30th May - Dealing with personal traumas
Saturday 6th June (actually, my birthday!) - Sustaining open and honest friendships and relationships
Saturday 13th June - What can we take from our time in Isolation?
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, it means a lot to me and I can not wait to explore more topics that hopefully will be able to give you some insight into what your capabilities are as an individual seeking happiness in your own life!
Matt :)
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